We’ve all heard it in the grocery store checkout line as our toddler melts down over a denied candy bar: “Cherish these moments, they go by so fast.” Or during a sleep-deprived haze with a colicky newborn: “You’ll miss this stage when it’s gone.”
These well-intentioned comments carry an unspoken expectation: that we should love every single moment of motherhood. That somehow, because children grow quickly, we’re obligated to find joy in even the most challenging parts.
But here’s a truth that needs saying: You don’t have to love every moment of motherhood.
The Impossible Standard
Think about it—we don’t hold ourselves to this impossible standard in any other area of life. We don’t love every moment of our careers, our marriages, or even our favorite hobbies. We accept that these experiences come with highs and lows, with moments of frustration alongside moments of joy.
So why do we expect motherhood to be different?
Perhaps it’s the knowledge that childhood is fleeting, that we can never get these years back once they’re gone. But this awareness can become a burden when it transforms into pressure to manufacture positive feelings about genuinely difficult experiences.
Selective Memory Is Natural
Our brains are remarkably designed to help us remember the highlights while letting go of the harder moments. This isn’t a flaw—it’s a feature. It’s why experienced mothers often look back on earlier stages with rose-colored glasses, remembering the sweet-smelling baby heads and tiny hands while the sleep deprivation and endless diaper changes fade from memory.
What if, instead of fighting this natural process by forcing ourselves to “cherish” even the hardest moments, we lean into it? What if we consciously choose which parts to hold onto and which to release?
Permission to Not Love It All
Here’s your permission slip: You’re allowed to not love the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the endless snack requests, the stepping on Legos. You’re allowed to wish away certain phases while still being a wonderful, present mother.
Not loving every moment doesn’t mean you don’t love motherhood or your children. It means you’re human, experiencing the full spectrum of emotions that come with this complex journey.
Practical Ways to Navigate This Reality
- Practice mindful appreciation: Instead of pressuring yourself to “cherish every moment,” intentionally notice and savor the moments that genuinely bring you joy. Maybe it’s morning cuddles, bedtime stories, or watching your child master something new.
- Create “memory anchors”: Take photos or keep a simple journal of moments you want to remember. This allows you to consciously choose which parts of each stage to preserve, knowing you don’t need to remember it all.
- Share honestly with other mothers: When you open up about both the joys and challenges, you create space for others to do the same. These authentic connections can be lifelines during difficult phases.
- Develop mantras for tough moments: When you’re in a particularly challenging phase, try repeating: “This is just a moment, not the whole journey” or “I don’t have to love this to love being their mother.”
- Reframe the “cherish every moment” comments: When someone tells you to cherish it all, mentally translate it to “Some parts of this time will be worth remembering.” Respond with a smile and “We’re enjoying the good moments and getting through the rest.”
- Create contrast: Sometimes deliberately stepping away—whether for an hour, an evening, or a weekend—helps you return with fresh appreciation for the aspects of motherhood you genuinely enjoy.
- Honor your whole self: Remember that being a mother is part of your identity, not its entirety. Nurturing other aspects of yourself doesn’t diminish your motherhood; it enriches it.
The Freedom in Selectivity
There’s freedom in knowing you can choose which parts of motherhood to carry forward. That years from now, when these days are behind you, you get to decide which moments define this chapter of your life.
So instead of trying to love it all, focus on truly being present — in both the beautiful and difficult moments. Because presence doesn’t require constant joy; it simply asks for authenticity.
Your children don’t need a mother who manufactured love for every moment of their childhood. They need a mother who was real, who showed them that life contains multitudes of emotions, and who taught them by example that it’s possible to embrace the complexity of loving something deeply without loving every part of the experience.
That’s the legacy worth leaving—one of honesty, presence, and the freedom to be fully human while loving fully.
