You know that moment when your partner starts packing the diaper bag and you catch yourself hovering?
Or they dress the baby and you gently point out that the socks don’t match?
Or bedtime goes a little differently than your way and your whole body tenses up?
Welcome to the very human, very common experience of maternal gatekeeping.
If you’ve never heard that term before, here’s what it means:
Maternal gatekeeping is when a mom (usually unintentionally) becomes the “keeper” of how things are done with the kids—controlling, correcting, or even taking over tasks that could be shared. It’s like you’re standing at the door of parenting saying, “Thanks, but I’ve got this,” even though you’re completely exhausted from doing it all.
And here’s the thing:
This is not about blame. This is about awareness.
Because once you see it, you can choose what to do with it.
Real-Life Gatekeeping Moments
Let’s bring this down to earth with a few examples. See if any of these feel familiar:
- The Schedule Slip
They took the baby out so you could rest (bless), but came back 30 minutes late—right when the nap window closed. Now you’re overtired and dealing with an overtired baby. You want to be grateful, but frustration creeps in fast. - The Snack Swerve
You step out for a moment and come back to find your partner giving the toddler a snack—except it’s not the one you meant to give. Maybe it’s too sugary, too close to dinner, or just not what they usually eat. You try to smile, but your brain’s already rewriting the rest of the day. - The Rough Play Cringe
They’re playing with the baby, and it’s loud, messy, a little wild—tickles, tossing, squeals. Your gut tightens. You want to step in, say “Be careful!” or “Not like that!” even though your child is laughing. You’re watching closely, heart racing, unsure if you should interrupt or just let it be.
None of these make you a bad partner or parent. They just show how much you care. And sometimes, how deeply we’ve internalized the idea that we’re supposed to do it all.
Where Does This Come From?
Maternal gatekeeping often stems from a mix of things:
- A strong sense of responsibility (“If I don’t do it, it won’t get done right.”)
- Societal pressure (Moms are still seen as the “default” parent in so many ways.)
- Perfectionism (Wanting everything to be just-so.)
- Overwhelm and burnout (Let’s be real—when you’re running on fumes, it feels easier to just do it yourself.)
It can also be tangled up in trust—maybe your partner has forgotten things in the past, or doesn’t notice the little details like you do. Or maybe the way you were parented didn’t model a shared approach, so this feels unfamiliar or even unsafe.
All of that makes sense. Truly.
But Here’s the Catch…
When we gatekeep, even from a place of love or efficiency, we often:
- Reinforce the idea that we’re the only ones who can do it “right”
- Miss out on letting others build confidence and connection
- Stay stuck in a cycle of resentment and exhaustion
And that’s not the motherhood most of us want to live in.
So What Can You Do Instead?
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh… that’s me,” please take a deep breath. You’re not alone. You’re not failing. This is something we can gently shift.
Here are a few therapist-approved, real-mom-tested strategies:
1. Notice Without Judging
Start by simply noticing when your body tenses or your mind starts spiraling because something didn’t happen on time. Maybe the nap started late, or your partner missed the feeding window — and you’re feeling yourself want to take control or say, “This is why I do it myself.”
You don’t need to change anything right away. Just observe the feeling with curiosity, not criticism.
Try this:
“I’m feeling really anxious that they missed the nap window. What’s coming up for me right now? What am I afraid will happen?”
2. Ask What’s Behind It
Is it anxiety? A need for control? Worry that your child won’t be cared for the way you care for them? These feelings are valid. Understanding them helps you soften them.
3. Practice the Pause
Before jumping in, give it a beat. Let the socks not match. Let the bedtime story be different. Your child won’t remember the mismatched pajamas—but they will remember feeling safe with both parents.
4. Name It With Your Partner
If it feels safe, talk about it. You might say:
“I’ve noticed I have a hard time letting go of certain routines. I know you’re capable — I think this is more about me needing to feel okay when things look different. Can we talk about it?”
You’re not blaming them. You’re inviting them into the conversation.
5. Choose One Thing to Let Go
You don’t have to release it all. Choose one area—maybe your partner handles all school drop-offs, or does the bedtime routine twice a week. And then? Let them do it their way.
Even if it’s not your way.
Especially if it’s not your way.
Final Thoughts from a Therapist Who’s Been There
Maternal gatekeeping isn’t about being controlling, it’s about being deeply invested.
It’s about love, fear, pressure, and the invisible load moms carry every day.
The goal isn’t to shame yourself for doing it, but to gently explore what would feel good to loosen.
Because handing over part of the load isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.
And maybe, just maybe—it’s the path to more peace, connection, and rest.
You deserve that.
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