Having a baby can be a very exciting time. Exciting for you as a Mama, but also exciting for the extended family and friends whom you are closest to. With the excitement comes eagerness to meet the new baby – to hold them, snuggle them, kiss them.
Sounds lovely.
But as a new Mama, this can be extremely overwhelming. You are trying to settle into a new life routine and learn the needs of your newborn, as well as yourself. Having people ‘visit’ (come to see your baby) during this time can put unnecessary stress on your postpartum healing process, especially if these visits are unwelcome.
Now, on the flip side, having people around to keep you company and hold your baby may be exactly what you need. But here’s the thing: you won’t actually know what you need until you have had a chance to live in your new routine for a few days with your newborn.
So, my suggestion is to wait until you have had those few days at home to try out your new routine before inviting anyone over for a visit. This will give you better insight into how you are feeling, what your needs are, what your baby’s needs are, and whether you have the energy for visitors.
Communicating this before going into labour is one of the most important things you can do to ease your mind about postpartum visitors. Setting these boundaries will also help your loved ones understand your postpartum desires and will make it easier for you to enforce them because they’ve already been laid out. So set those boundaries early.
Below are a few tips to set you up for success when communicating and setting those postpartum boundaries. I have also created a few examples of how to reinforce them postpartum to give you an idea of tone and language. Remember to always take what you need (what resonates) and leave the rest, as it’s not all going to apply to you or your situation.
POSTPARTUM BOUNDARY SETTING:
- Be clear about your boundaries and enforce them with everyone around you before your baby arrives to avoid feeling resentment later.
- Be prepared – write out what your preferences are before you talk to people or talk with someone you trust to practice. Focus on how you will present it and not on how they will perceive it.
- Be honest with people about how YOU want things done or not done without worrying about hurting the other person (people) or how they are going to perceive it – most relationships are going to be able to withstand honest feedback so we can be authentic.
- Get comfortable with this idea: “I love you, but please respect my wishes”. The more comfortable you are giving this message to more easily you will be able to overcome any fears you have around enforcing your own boundaries.
- If you’re feeling anxious about talking with people about boundaries (building the conversation up in your head), just remember that it might be uncomfortable but that your mind has made it into a bigger issue and the sooner you talk about it the faster you can get back to reality.
- If you are needing support or help, be intentional about asking for it – don’t wait for people to read your mind. This will only lead to disappointment and resentment.
- And lastly, check in with yourself to increase your awareness of what you need – how am I feeling? Do I want to talk to someone? Would I like someone to come help me take care of my baby or the household tasks? Do I need someone to run errands for me? Check in with yourself!
EXAMPLES OF HOW TO SET & REINFORCE BOUNDARIES:
When can we see / meet the baby?
Before baby:
We are so excited for you to meet the baby. We’re not sure how everyone is going to be feeling so we aren’t making plans yet, but as soon as we know, we’ll be sure to make a date.
After baby:
We can’t wait for you to meet the baby. We’re all still settling into our new routine and adjusting to the changes so we aren’t feeling ready for visitors. But we could do a video call or get in touch when we’re ready to have you over.
We have a gift, when can we drop it off?
Aw, thank you so much. We’re just taking some time to adjust to our new routine with a newborn before having people over. If you’d like to drop it off on the front porch, that works for us. Otherwise, we’ll phone you when we’re feeling ready for visitors.
Are you feeling up for a cup of tea and a visit?
I would love to see you, but I’m feeling like I need a bit more time to just settle in with my baby. I’ll be sure to plan something once I feel up to it. How are you doing?
You must be exhausted, I can come over anytime to hold the baby while you rest.
Thank you so much for acknowledging how I’m feeling. You’re right, I am feeling quite tired and would really like the extra help. However, I feel like I need some more time to focus on getting comfortable in my new routine. Once I feel ready, I’d love to schedule a visit with you.
Can I do anything to help you? What do you need?
Thank you, I really appreciate you reaching out / checking in. I’m actually struggling these days to get dinner made. Would you be willing to drop off dinner one night this week? I’m not quite up for a visit, but would be so appreciative if you could leave it at the front door. And then we can have a real visit soon?
These are just a few examples of what I hear the most, but if you have other examples or are struggling, send them on over and let’s figure it out together!
Otherwise, set those boundaries and be proud that you are taking care of yourself as a Mama!
x Ashley
