I’m so glad you’re back!
Just as a quick recap, I ended my last post in this series talking about feeling overrun by anxiety, overwhelm, guilt, and shame. Today I’m going to share 2 things that helped me through the newborn phase with my second baby.
Bear in mind that I’m not sharing physical changes that I made, but rather cognitive changes. I had to practice these new skills on a regular basis before I started to feel better…heck, I’m still practicing them today.
Change takes time, right!?
Okay, let’s jump in. Here’s what I’ve been working on:
1. Being vulnerable and asking for what I need.
This was a really hard thing for me to do.
I have a perfectionistic personality and so I believe that I should be able to do everything on my own (I have very high expectations), that my way is best and that asking for help is a sign of weakness.
But by holding onto this belief, I wasn’t doing myself any favours. In fact I was hurting myself and my ability to enjoy mamahood. So I had to take some time to understand what it was that I was feeling, put words to those feelings and then figure out what I needed to help myself feel better.
I figured out that I was feeling burnt out, constantly anxious and worrying all the time. This was affecting my ability to bond with my girls; it was keeping me up at night; and it was turning me against my partner, Kris.
I came to the conclusion that in order to feel better, I had to admit that I couldn’t do everything myself (shocker!). And then the hard part came…
I had to get vulnerable.
I had to speak up and ask for help from those around me. Now, because of the timing of all of this and what was going on in the world (hello, pandemic!) I didn’t have access to a lot of hands. I had Kris and my Mum.
So I was very intentional about what I needed from each of them; I specified exactly how they could help me…and then I let them.
But the thing that felt the best, that made me breathe deeper and feel lighter, was being able to share what I needed; not holding it in anymore and assuming that they knew what they could do to make me feel better.
The physical help was great, but me opening up about how I was struggling and what I needed was even greater.
2. Accepting that this is a phase of life.
I know, it sounds simple and straightforward.
The concept is easy: our babies will soon become toddlers with an opinion, and then independent children and too soon they’ll be teenagers who want to “find their own way”.
I get it.
They are only babies for a short period of time. They only need those baby snuggles for a few short months before they’re moving on.
But as much as I knew this, putting it into practice was a lot harder due to my sleep deprivation, anxious brain and constantly being on edge.
I had to work hard to get into the present, constantly reminding myself that Julianna was a baby; that she needed me in this capacity for only a short amount of time. That she would soon sleep longer, need me less, and eventually not want to snuggle the nights away.
When I thought like this I found appreciation in those moments. Even when I had a million things to do or had to go to work in 10 minutes. I challenged myself to be present with her and ‘just be’.
And really, truly, honestly – it worked!
I started to enjoy the snuggles, the constant need for Mama, the battles at diaper changes, the cries of frustration, because they were all opportunities for me to strengthen my bond with her and get to know more about who she was becoming.
I started to remind myself during those times that sleep deprived nights would come to an end (or at least they would eventually look different than they do now); that diaper changes would come to an end; that teething pain would come to an end; that Julianna would walk one day and eventually fight my snuggles.
The life I was currently living was just a phase of my baby’s development. This was not forever; it would soon change.
Challenging my mindset seriously helped ease my anxious brain. It was no longer able to run wild with “this is your life now – get used to it” type of thoughts; but helped me contain my feelings to the present, acknowledging that this is what my life looks like at this moment, not forever.
Julianna is almost 1 now. I have been actively working on these two skills for her whole first year of life.
And here’s what I know for sure:
I love my babies.
I love being a Mama.
I love being their Mama.
What I’m still questioning is whether I love the newborn months as much as I thought I would (and I’m sweating all over just typing that, so if that’s not what vulnerability feels like…).
Stay tuned for more in my ‘Anxious Mama’ series.
Ashley
